It's been 11 days since my mom died and one week since her funeral. It's a tough ride. I've lost grandparents before, and a very special boyfriend that I'd dated for five years (that was painful!), but this is something else - altogether new.
Adrenaline carried me through the funeral, that and being task oriented and busy. God's grace too. Since the funeral, I have trouble getting to sleep and then waking up too soon. When I wake up, in that twilight state, I realize again that it is true, my mom is gone. Then thoughts connected to that loss roll through my head making getting back to sleep difficult or impossible. My Dr. put good words to this grief ridden lack of sleep - "This is a way you honor your mom." Yes.
The funeral was very thoughtful and meaningful - almost wedding like if you can imagine. Everyone in my family contributed something beautiful. I am so grateful. Andy's veggies were served at the lunch. This was special because my mom had been looking forward to his tomatoes - which were just now ripe. Carolyn made tent cards for the tables telling about the veggies. It was lovely with a picture of Sarah and the tomatoe plant that Andy had showed my mom on Mother's day. Lance and Steven sang, "I Can Only Imagine", and Lance's "Up From the Grave" (not the hymn). Courtney played djembe (hand drum) with the guys (Mom loved drums). Aimee did the flowers for the graveside and for the church. She also did the display of memories at the lunch. Two great grandchildren, Sarah and Anna, helped decorate dragon fly cookies. Oh and Andy baked lemon bars to make sure we had enough for the lunch. (Mom had been crowned "Queen Lemon Bar" by Lance because she made these great lemon bars. We gave the recipes out at the lunch - sweetly designed with a picture of mom from the fifties on it (Aimee's design). My brother Mike pastored us on many occasions - even though he was the son. Steve Schulz MC'd the reception.
Mike is out from Alberta for a few more days and we are getting some things done around the house that matter to Dad - sorting and such. Today it was clothes. God is gracious.
I'm not sleeping well and the core of me feels hollow - that's the best I can describe it. I'm dumb too - slow in thinking and I find it hard to make decisions - well maybe I don't care to make them. Apparently IQ actually goes down during grief. I think this must be so.
The last time I saw my mom alive was very special. I had called our prayer pastor and asked if he could bring some people to pray with my dad and I for my mom. He brought his wife, and the Seniors pastor. My mom sat in her green chair tall and confident and told the group about the torturous voices that had been plaguing her. She said she wanted them to lay hands on her and pray. She was anointed with oil in a cross shape on her forehead. We gathered round her chair. I knelt at her left side and took her hand in mine. Verses were shared. Prayers were prayed. Peace was experienced - if only for a while. It was needed and sweet. I can still feel her hand in mine. She didn't expect me to come with the pastor because I was at family camp and LK and I had come the evening before and prayed with her. I wouldn't miss the community of believers praying with my mom - of course I came again.
We've decided to put John 6:27-28 on the gravestone, "My sheep listen to my voice, I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, they will not perish, no one can snatch them from my hand." That's from memory so it might not be exact. But perfect. In the last month there were other voices. Mom, though she heard them, listened to the voice of her Lord and knew who to turn to again and again. She could not be snatched from his hand.
Below is the eulogy that Mike and I wrote and spoke at the funeral.
Our mother, Lorraine Ardelle Steen was born in Minneapolis MN. on Oct. 28, 1927, to Sally and Alfred Steen. Seven years later she welcomed her little sister, Shirley. An enormous highlight of her childhood was spending her summers on her grandparents' farm in Enderlin, North Dakota. There she fell in love with all things farm, particularly the little farm kittens and the cows.
Mom graduated from South High school, where she lettered in sports along with her girlfriends. She often reminded us that her body was not always ravaged by arthritis, but was once lithe and athletic! She attended one year of college at Luther in Decorah, Iowa.
In 1949, mom took a wild risk on a blind date on which she met a fellow named Al. They both agreed to another date even though she so carelessly poked at Dad's car floor mat with her high heels! After only dating a short while they were rear ended on the way home from a drive-in movie. The police took them to the bus and Dad spent the next two weeks working hard to repair the car for the next date. But, he didn't call Mom during the two week car repair period. After losing 10 pounds waiting for his call - dating life resumed and they were engaged to be married June 20th 1950. They got married quickly due to the outbreak of the Korean war and the concern that Dad's Navel Air Squadron would be called up. August 11, 1950 was their wedding day. They were married just 8 days shy of 59 years - happily so.
In 1952, the two became three with the arrival of Kathleen Marie. In 1954, fresh off the assembly line came Michael Harry. That made four and no more. Mom enjoyed very much raising her family. She and Dad created a secure and loving home for their children. A cherished summer activity was always finding some way to spend holiday time at a lake. Early on they had a travel trailer, sometimes a cabin was rented and in the spring of 1961 a cabin was purchased on Warner Lake in Wisconsin. It was here that the precious bulk of favorite memories were made.
After buying the cabin, mom became very ill with what was thought to be rheumatic fever, subsequently diagnosed as arthritis - the beginning of a very difficult journey. A few months later Dad had surgery and radiation for advanced Hodgkin's disease. This was a season of the testing and growing of faith for our whole family. Dad remembers praying that he could live to see us graduate from high school. God more than granted that wish as we now see he has lived to care for our mother to the very end of her life with faithful love.
Mom was a woman of faith. She enjoyed church and Sunday was always a day of worship - wherever we were. She loved singing in the choir, playing the tambourine in her ladies Bible study, being on a Metro prayer chain and chairing the women's guild at her church. Our parents, along with others in their church, financially and socially supported foreign students coming to study at the seminary in St. Paul, MN. Our home was filled with folks of many colors, and beautiful voices from around the world that enriched us greatly along with forever eliminating any tendency to racial prejudice.
Our mother was a facilitator of family life and events. She found joy and meaning in this role. She was not quick to find fault - but generous with love, an excellent listener and readily available to us. Mom faithfully made us meals and kept our home comfortable. Mom and Dad brought a valuable support crew into our lives through their friendships. Most of these friends live in Minneapolis and continue to love and pray for each other. Through these friends we experienced that we were interesting and valuable people.
Both our parents raised us to know the Lord. Our Dad describes mom as the spiritual rock in our family. But the rock could be moved when children added stress to the family interactions. Such as when Kathy kept missing her curfews. So, there was some drama, after all Mom was a red-head -- and Dad liked her that way!
Mom and Dad moved to Canada in June, 1988. They came with mixed feelings which never changed - happy to be near family and sorry to be so far from dear friends. Still, they do value the memories made with grandchildren and great grandchildren especially. (Dad interjects that the fishing is not as good as he hoped it would be though.)
Mom loved reading. In fact, if she was feeling pretty good, it was hard to keep enough fiction in the house. She was famous for her lemon bars and had earned the name "Queen Lemon Bar". Mom was the one who kept track of family dates and who had Christmas or Easter at their home last. Now we will have to print a calendar and try to follow it.
Mom had a particularly difficult exit from this world. Her health was very frail and she nearly died twice from pneumonia in recent times. She also had two serious falls. These events required lengthy hospitalizations and she did not like to be away from home. The last three weeks, even though she was sharp, she had been plagued with voices sometimes very mean in their lies. Even in the face of these lies, God kept Mom's spirit strong and she would declare the truth - "I am a child of God. He knew me when I was in my mother's womb. I am covered by the blood of Jesus."
We thank God for his faithfulness. We thank Jesus for rescuing our mom and taking her home.
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The postlude song was chosen by my dad - it is Dvorak's New World Symphony Largo, "Going Home" I mention this because it was very important and meaningful to my dad. We actually played it pre and postlude.
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Dear Readers - Thank you for all your kind words and prayers. I would love it if you would continue to remember my dad. He is so sad. We need help to find our way - especially Dad - whose whole world had become caring for my mom.
Bless you.
